The Loser In Me

Will run to answer the phone when it rings, and then stand there and hold my breath until after the third ring. That way I sound breathless, when I finally pick up, as if I am too busy doing exciting physical things, to answer the phone in a timely manner.

Orders all her clothes via the mail to avoid having to "dress" to clothes shop.

Stopped testing the keytones in her urine while diabetic for a while, because the labels warning, "Do not take internally." I thought I would die if I used the strips forever. I did not know the difference, at age eight, between internal and eternity.

Had never heard a radio until the first grade. My bus driver, Russle, had a station on from Rosoe, Minnesota. When the d.j. announced, "And next, we have the Andy Gibb...", I thought my heart throb, Andy, was in the station, an hour away. I just want to be your every thing, Andy. Damn you Kathy Watson for bursting my bubble and telling me about records.

Took an entire two years to finish the oil portrait of her family of men. It is an abstract picture that my Hubby hates and he will hide it. It hangs in my bathroom, where no one can see. I will on occasion, whip out my paint brushes and tweak it. It is my favorite picture I have ever painted.

Stole a bottle of caustic nasty topical ointment out of her physitions office after having my skin treated in an rude area. Burnt self with harsh chemicals when trying to self medicate same rude area. Had to find new Dr. to treat my "mystery" burns.

Spend three months of summer vacation sunbathing on my sisters big old Oldsmobile hood, drinking ice tea, while attempting to co-write the next great romance novel. Never got past the first chapter due to the arguments over plot. Only thing we did agree on was the main caricature be a blue eyed blond Scandinavian chick. Decided to actually read our first romance before trying to write our own.

When chatting on instant messenger, will sometimes leave the program before the person I am talking with has finished typing their goodbye. Makes me feel wanted when I sign on again and see an off line message waiting for me.

Got a job cleaning fishing cabins for less than minimum wage at a resort. Told my best friend I was spending all my time with my made up boy friend who I named Jim Beamer. After all the Jim Beam bottles I cleared out of those stinky scale covered shacks while she hung out with a real boy.

Will run the water in her bathroom sink when feeling lonely, just to attract the cat from out of it's hiding spot. Water, apparently, is less boring than me.

Has to be the first one to eat the little center peak off the any container holding soft food stuffs, where the product is poured into the container. Yogurt, ice cream, peanut butter, guacamole, I have my spoon ready to taste the best freshest spot. I call it. Works at home somewhat and at work not so often.

Spends more time in the lobby or the bathroom hiding because she is embarrassed to not have the rhythm to clap in time to the music at church. Hubby knows this so when he does go with he will fake clap off beat to throw me off even more. Spend more time in service praying for forgiveness for cursing the rhythm nation.

Has a lucky bra.

Will not trade in her football stadium sized cell phone for a smaller newer one because she has yet to master the one she has. And likes the big buttons.

Says the term, "Call my attorney, Bob Loblaw", to herself inside her head whenever she finds herself in a sticky stituation and laughs out loud, causing further trouble.

Has a quarter pound left of the mega Hersheys kiss that a valentine once gave her, hidden in her closet under the Christmas wrapping paper. She never bothered to save his card or picture, but finds this imperishable lump sentimental and tasty.

Doesn't wash her jeep because she thinks a true off road vehicle should look rugged.

Has a large framed poster of Marilyn Monroe lifting weights hung over the weight bench she stores her candle making bees wax. Uses the bees wax so she does not resemble Marilyn Manson.

Turns the bedroom radio on to a pop rock station on the mornings before she leaves for work so that when she climbs the stairs at bedtime it sounds like their is a wild dance party happening in her room and she is not alone.